Thursday, March 5, 2009

1 month

It has been 1 month without my Dad.

My father met his Heavenly Father on February 5, 2009 at 8:00PM and every day since has been hard. Very hard. I miss him so much. Dad was so young, appeared so healthy. It is hard to believe in a matter of a few short weeks one can become so sick. I have so many questions. I replay so many of the events in my mind. What could have been done differently? However, I know my father is in a glorious place and I have started to find a peace in knowing that it was just time. God has a purpose for Dad...a new task...not an earthly one but a heavenly one...I have to focus on that.

Dad was an amazing man. A wonderful provider for his family and a strong Christian. There was nothing on this earth he loved more than "his girls" (my mother, sister, niece, & me). As a child I can remember he would stay home on Saturday mornings to watch The Smurfs with us and spend hours playing with Matchbox cars. I have so many precious memories of Dad: laughing so hard while telling a joke that he couldn't make it to the punch line, twirling and dancing (something I never thought he would do) with my at my wedding, bringing me "treats" (ice cream, dinner, anything!) to the hospital when I was on call, his mantra "If I can't fix it, it isn't broken" (he really could fix ANYTHING) - all of these memories and so many others dance through my head daily.
There wasn't anything my Dad did not do for me or our family. We used to always laugh when he had his "moments" - times when for no reason he would just start crying at dinner, during a movie or driving down the road. It was during these "moments" he would say he just felt so blessed with all that the Lord had given him - mostly meaning us girls. One cannot even watch my high school valedictorian speech...the camera was too shaky and all you can hear was my Dad the videographer boo-hooing through the entire thing because he was so proud. He loved being proud of his girls and I loved to make him proud. He would swell with pride each time he saw me wearing my white coat. He loved that and I did too.
I miss him deeply. It hurts everyday.
I am still pregnant...will be 36 weeks this Sunday. I'm back to work and taking it day by day. Amazing, huh? As my due date approaches I find myself with a mix of happiness and extreme sadness. There is nothing in this world that my father wanted more than to hold my babies. He was so proud. My son was to be his first grandson...the first boy in our family. He had such big plans for the two of them. My heart aches that my two children will not physically know this amazing man. However, I plan to make sure they know as much as possible about their Poppy so that his amazing spirit can live on in them. And on that joyous day when Baby A and Baby B make their entrance to this world, I know my father will be there in spirit. He will hold those babies. Dad always was persistent in saying he would be there to hear their first cries as he was for my sisters daughter (the way the delivery room there was set up was could see the baby without having to see the delivery) despite my persistent nagging that there was no way that could happen in our hospital with the set up we have...I didn't want him seeing that stuff!
Well, Dad...there is nothing to keep you out now. And I really hope you will be there to meet my babies & hear their first cries. Nothing would make me happier.

[Thank you to all who have noticed my absence and emailed to check on me. It is so touching to know that you care.]


Artsy Momma said...

my heart aches for you. You will remain in my thoughts and heart through this amazingly hard time.

Goddess in Progress said...

I was just thinking the other day that we hadn't heard from you in a while. I'm so, so sorry to hear about your dad. My heart just breaks. My dad had a heart attack right before we started trying to get pregnant, and it was that very thought, him not meeting his grandchildren, that kept me up crying at night. I was so lucky that he was alright.

I'm sure your dad will be right by your side, and will be smiling his brightest smile on you and your babies.

I'm so, so sorry.

Shannon said...

I had checked in recently and am so shocked and saddened by today's posting. My heart goes out to you and this reminds me to hug my family close and to always tell them that I love them.

I have no words, but please know my thoughts are with you right now.

Sarah S said...

Oh, heart just breaks for you and your family. I cannot imagine having to deal with such a huge loss, especially with everything else you have going on. I'm sure on that blessed day when your babies enter this world that you will feel your father's love all around you.

Kathi D said...

I am so sorry. It must be particularly hard to have lost your precious dad right now, when you should be sublimely happy. I lost my dad many years ago, and still miss him every day, but it is a soft hurt now instead of the hard hurting when it is all so fresh. The one thing I have always comforted myself with is that when he was alive, we were often separated by physical distance, and now he is around me all the time.

I know your dad will be there for the new babies, just as he said he would be. I hope you will be able to see a sign of his presence.

rlbates said...

So sorry about the loss of your dad, but happy to hear you are no longer on strict bedrest. Take care.

Claudia said...

Well, I have to say that the pain never really goes away. Next March 18th it will 11 years that my dad passed away and I can say that becomes easier with time. You are able to remember things more fondly than sadly but his presence is always with you. After all this time, what impresses me more is how much I'm like him. I keep discovering and remember things to take me closer to him. I wish you strenght and I know the love of your family will make things easier each passing day.

Adrienne said...

I know this post was hard for you - I hope all these hugs coming your way bring some comfort.

Thinking of you and your family ~ can't wait for the happy post about those sweet babies.

duckyhouse said...

I'm new to your blog and I'm so saddened and sorry that you father has passed away. You wrote a beautiful post about your dad and how you feel about him, I'm glad that you have such lovely memories to help carry you through the days ahead.

lealou said...

I noticed your absence but didn't want to intrude. My thoughts are with you and your family.

jennifer said...

oh andrea, i am so sorry for your loss. you have been in my thoughts these past weeks and while i am happy to hear you and the babies are doing well, i send you and your family my heartfelt condolences at the loss of your father. take strength in knowing your little ones will come to know him through your wonderful memories and stories, and that he will be with you in spirit always. xoxo